Grin and Bear Them? Loving Difficult People

I posted this on my FB writer & speaker page, as well as my Twitter today:

"Grin & bear it." That's the advice some give about loving the difficult people in our lives. But Biblical love is a fruit of the Spirit, so depending on Him to love through us is the only way that brings peace & life to the full. May the fruit of love be powerfully present in & through us today."

I've often wondered why it can be so difficult to love difficult people at times. While I come to a different conclusion every time I ponder it, today I landed on a Scripture that gave me some insight. It was Daniel 6:27 (NIRV): "He sets people free and saves them. He does miraculous signs and wonders. He does them in the Heavens and on the earth."

In this context, it's about setting Daniel free from the lions. YES, that was a miracle.

But often, if I'm honest, I ignore the truth that God is still setting people free. Especially the difficult people. (understatement). He does miracles! He turned my unbelieving heart around, He set me free from death and its grip, and He saves me each and every day from all kinds of icky stuff, like when I'm that difficult person in someone else's life.

Sometimes I think I struggle to love the thorny people in my life Christ's way because I don't reflect on the fact that He still does miracles. HE alone can transform a person's heart. If He can turn the water to wine, He can turn the whiner into a worshipper. If He can heal the sick, then He most surely can cure the selfish and mean. If He can die on a cross after living a sinless life, then I can die to myself and let Him love blamelessly through me.

By His grace and because of His unfailing love, He sets people free and saves them. He does miraculous signs and wonders. He does them in the Heavens and on the earth. And even in me and through me...and in and through you too.

The question is, will we believe in and depend on Him to be Love through us today?

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Friendship=Sanctification: Part 2

Friends: How Will You Compare?

(part 2 in series, Friendship=Sanctification)

“Be reasonable when you think about yourself. Keep in mind the amount of faith God has given you. Each of us has one body with many parts. And the parts do not all have the same purpose. So also we are many persons. But in Christ we are one body. And each part of the body belongs to all the other parts. We all have gifts. They differ in keeping with the grace that God has given each of us.”  

Romans 12:3b-6a, NIRV

It’s so true. One of the struggles that can kill a friendship and FAST is comparison. It can work either way: Comparing by putting someone on a pedestal, or comparing by looking down from yours. Sometimes we’re one, sometimes we’re the other. It may seem harmless, but more often than thought, those thoughts take root, causing bitterness, pride or irritability to grow inside.

God’s idea is for Christian relationships to be unified, one in spirit and in Truth. We know this to be true. Then why is it so hard sometimes? This will be the subject of the next article in the series, but for now, let’s focus on comparison. What do you compare in your friends, and ask the Lord to help you be honest with yourself. Is it outward appearances? Money or possessions? Gifts and talents? Parenting? Popularity? Personality? Love languages? Spiritual maturity? Physical fitness? Domestic abilities? Spouses? Kids?

Here at the beginning, stop for a moment and ask yourself how you’ve compared yourself with a friend lately (or even a family member), either looking up at them or down at them or both. Settle on one or more that have caused you negative attitudes or emotions.

Okay, I’ve got mine. Ugh.

Now, think back to any thoughts you’ve had of them that caused you either jealousy, pride, anger, envy or bitterness.

Let’s take their names and place them in the blanks of these verses:

“With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse ______________, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing of _______________. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?” (James 3)

Okay, I know...ouchy. This hurt when I read it a few months ago, because the Lord used it to convict me of someone I claimed to love and yet was criticizing over and over again. So what’s the alternative? He led me to continue reading in James:

"Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such 'wisdom' does not come down from Heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where  you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from Heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere." 

 James 3:13-18, NIV

Remember to read these verses through the eyes of grace and not legalism. It is absolutely impossible to live them out on your own. Allow this Word of the Lord to give you the desire to make a change, not to send you into condemnation of yourself or another. It starts with seeking Him. Ask Him to expose His Truth in your being through the discernment of the Holy Spirit, to shine light where any darkness lies. Submit yourself to Him and tell Him you are willing to love others His way, even if they don’t return it. It is hard work from the perspective that we may have to submit our thoughts to the Lord over and over and over again. And again. And then again. We’ll talk about that more in Part 3: The “E” Monsters. Until then, I pray the Lord encourages you today with His faithful and perfect love toward you. Your friends may fail to love you the way you need to be loved, but HE—this amazing Lover of your soul—will love you through and through, no matter what, always & forever. No friend has ever or will ever compare to Him.

If you’d like to read Part 1 in the series, click here:

  http://www.lauraleeshaw.com/2010/01/friendshipsanctification-part-1.html

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Reflective Thoughts--for MOMS of Young'uns

When my kids were little, I often felt like I was all alone in my distressed moments. Even though I had a community of other moms and great friends around me, I'd hold back. Share just enough, but keep my deeper wonderings and issues to myself.

Down the road, I can't imagine how beneficial it would've been to be more authentic and vulnerable with others. It was pride and insecurity that kept me from doing so, because I lacked confidence to accept the advice or suggestions from others. I wanted to seem like the all-together one.

I wonder how many of those around me were doing the same thing?

Mamas, we may not always agree about what age to potty train, whether we nurse or bottle feed, rock 'em to sleep or let 'em cry...home school, public or private, how long to let 'em suck their thumb or the pacifier, to stay at home or go to work...and on and on. Let's face it. We're all unique and will never agree on all these issues, cuz God's made us all so uniquely, 'pinions and all.

But we all need encouragement to persevere, to put God first, to be willing to change our minds or learn to accept the decision of another. We can benefit from crying out to a friend when we're stressed and feel like the worst mom on planet earth, by admitting our failures and weaknesses and regrets. Can we confess when our spiritual well has run dry or when we can't stop running to the tv or the mall or the pantry or the fast food window to fill our souls?

Maybe, and I'm thinking backwards here...maybe if we can stop debating the "issues," we can spend our time praying for one another and leading each other to the true Source for all the hard days in our lives as moms. If we can learn to let our little differences go, then we can get to the real stuff, the nitty gritty behind each and every decision we make anyway.

As iron sharpens iron,

so one mama sharpens another.

(Prov. 27:17, my paraphrase)

What do you think? Are you able to be transparent as a mom of young ones? What do you find most difficult about this season? If you could be gut honest with any other mom, what would you say? How do you respond to admonishment or advice from other moms?

Keep it real. I'll be praying for you.

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Friendship=Sanctification: Part 1

“We’ve loaned them money twice,

and they’ve made no mention to pay it back.”

“I cooked her a meal when she was sick,

and now she won’t even return my phone call.”

“Their family is always in the spotlight. Makes me kind of sick.”

“She’s got so many friends, I’ll never be able to get close to her.”

“They let their kids watch _____, do _______, buy ______.

I would never do that!”

“They shelter their kids too much.”

“She’s more talented than me.”

“They’ve got more money and too much stuff, if you ask me.”

“She doesn’t respect my time, my property or my values.”

“She’s hyper-spiritual.”

“He’s not spiritual enough.”

“They go to THAT church.”

“I can’t believe she went back to work. What about her kids?”

“If they really loved us, they’d call us or invite us over more often.”

"She spends too much time on Facebook."

And on and on and on, it goes…Where it stops? The Lord only knows. And certainly, only the Lord Himself has the ability to help us sort through our thinking regarding our brothers and sisters in Christ.

Of all the correspondence I receive in ministry, rocky relationships with other Christians, mainly friends are #2 in rank, (pain and suffering being 1st). The irony is that with each email or phone call I get, I am at a place where I can relate in some way. Why? Partly because friendships are hard, requiring sacrifice and unconditional love. But the main reason why is because the enemy knows we are vulnerable in this area, prone to feelings of rejection and attitudes of entitlement. Through the messages tossed around and about this world we live, he spreads lies and ideals that begin to make sense to us after hearing them for so long, begging us to believe that the Lord is far removed to guide us in these matters.

I wish I could say I was a pillar of credibility on this subject, but alas, my thoughts slice and dice as sharply as the next gal’s, and my feelings get hurt on a regular basis. All I know is that it’s an area the Lord keeps bringing to the forefront of my thinking through the convicting power of His Word, so let’s examine it together:

Colossians 2:12-15, New Living Translation

“Since God chose you to be the holy people He loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.”

This is pretty straightforward, but let’s first look at what it doesn’t say. First of all, in this passage, it’s written to those “in the Body of Christ,” so it is not referring to our relationships with non-Christians. That’s a whole ‘nother subject. Secondly, it doesn’t say “be a doormat and let everyone walk all over you.” You can show mercy and kindness and make allowance for other’s faults without being in constant turmoil with them. This is about mutual peace and unity in the Body. Again, another topic for another day.

But look at the list of quotes above. Every single one boils down to either being offended, unforgiving, prideful, unmerciful, entitled, divisive, calloused or impatient. And none of them reflect an attitude of thankfulness.

I know this is a messy, muddy topic. No two situations or relationships are alike, so there’s a tendency to think that you are all alone in yours. And that is exactly what many will tell you if you turn to any wisdom other than His to make you feel better.“You should not have to put up with that. You are better than that,” they will tell you. “You’ve been so patient, giving, giving, giving. Enough is enough.”

God’s advice is different. His desire is for our friendships to be a good thing, but He calls us to redefine what a “good thing” is. Our friendships have the potential to make us more holy. See verse 12? “Since God chose you to be holy people He loves…” When we love His way, it will make us more holy. And though being happy is a wonderful blessing, being holy is His first desire. In this language, friendship = sanctification, which is His idea of a good thing.

Look at the rest of the passage in Colossians 2: “Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom He gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.”

The Lord is getting practical with us here. HE wants to be the substance in our lives.

He gave us friendships to enrich our lives, but He wants to be the One to fill our lives.

See the difference? Our relationships do not make us who we are…HE makes us who we are. And because He is the One filling us, we can teach and counsel each other with His wisdom. Because He is the One providing for us, we should exude thankfulness.

One last observation. The word “let…” An act of surrender is required here. Loving our friends requires intentionality, a willingness and willfulness to do relationships His way. This won’t happen on its own or even overnight. We must pray for help, be in the Word, refuse the world’s advice and FIGHT the battle that wages war in our thoughts and emotions with every resource He has given us, and every day.

So if the above thought bubbles were to burst and be replaced with His way of doing things, what might they say? Stop here if you need to ponder this with the Lord on your own and process His words above. For those who may need some practical guidance, here’s some examples:

“We’ve loaned them money twice, and they’ve made no mention to pay it back.”
“I cooked her a meal when she was sick, and now she won’t even return my phone call.”
Maybe instead,
“I’m so thankful the Lord used us to help them out. He has provided for our needs time and again.”

“Their family is always in the spotlight. Makes me kind of sick.”
Maybe instead,
“I need to remember to pray for them. To whom much is given, much will be expected, and I’m sure being in the spotlight has challenges I’m not aware of.”

“She’s got so many friends, I’ll never be able to get close to her.”
Maybe instead,
“Lord, You are the One who fills me up and meets my needs. Help me to be here if she needs a hand or a prayer, but I would be truly thankful if You would lead me to an available friend to do life with on a regular basis.”

“They let their kids watch _____, do _______, buy ______. I would never do that!”
“They shelter their kids too much.”
Maybe instead,
“Examine my motives, Lord. And if you prompt me to give counsel or ask hard questions of my friends, give me the courage and correct words to do so. Otherwise, help me not to judge or meddle…because You may be working in ways I don’t understand or see.”

What thoughts do you need to ask the Lord to cross out and replace in you? Pray. Ask the Lord to get personal with you on this subject, revealing any sin, pettiness or pride. We are called to be holy, my friends, and what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t share what He’s been showing me on the subject?

Let’s allow the Lord to sanctify us through and through in our friendships, and Lord, may it begin with me.

***We'll keep diving into the mud on this subject, so stay tuned! Or if you prefer, this is a series I started on my website edevo ministry...you can sign up to receive them HERE.

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